the first flame

the knock at the door made me jump out of my skin, even though i’d heard the car pull up.

i knew who it was.

i knew what was about to happen.

i still wanted to ignore it and hope it went away.

i quickly checked to see if any of the kids were around to witness what was about to unfold.

i already knew where my husband was – outside smoking, as usual.

the dog was aggressively barking at the two officers at the gate.

he could sense the threat sitting in my body before i could even move.

we struggled to restrain him long enough to let them inside the house.

once they were in, and after a short conversation, i was arrested.

told to contact my lawyer.

handed a piece of paper with my first court appearance written on it.

and left to now explain this to my husband,

again.

even now my body remembers

the tightness

the cold

the fear that lived inside my chest for years after

waiting rooms

courtrooms

sentencing

jail

shadow stacked on shadow until i didn’t know who was left

but this was the moment

the first break

the one that ripped my life open so something new could crawl out of the wreckage

you don’t change without a fire

you don’t awaken without a burn

this was the spark

this was inception

the first flame

the beginning of who i would become